Baggage

Why do I do it? (well, the answer is in the title of this post).

Why do I get scared when someone shows a little bit of interest in me? I like flirting and I would probably flirt with a dead plant if I knew I'd get some attention but ... this post is not about flirting! It's about meeting someone, online or in real life, talking to them for a while, starting to like them and then feeling the urge to run away as quickly as possible the moment they start exhibiting any signs of liking me!

I am quite clearly single at the moment and even though I am not really trying to find Mr. Right it would be nice to meet someone I can call my boyfriend/partner/houseboy (lol!). Someone who can give me a cuddle at the end of the day and who will push me out of bed in the morning for pressing snooze for the 10th time.

I always thought that bringing "baggage" into a relationship is a very bad idea. Inevitably it does happen. Past relationships and breakups are part of what makes us individuals. They allows us to grow and learn. But should that make people more reserved when starting a new relationship? Less open, perhaps?

Well, ignoring the fact that this post has no structure whatsoever, the answer should be ideally "no". It's not fair for the person involved in the new relationship. On the other, self-preservation dictates ... well, the opposite. I have been dumped, it was painful, I am over it (sometimes I am even thankful!) but I wouldn't like to go through a similar situation again.

Of course, there is a big difference between being experienced and using that as a means to make whatever happens next better and being a cynic. Even though I am generally a very positive person and I try to make the life of everyone around me a pleasant one, I feel that the "relationship forecast" for the near future is a gloomy one.

Maybe the term "baggage" is too harsh. Clearly even though my outlook has been affected by previous relationships/experiences, my negative attitude towards getting emotionally involved with someone is of my own making.

Self-destructive? No.
Stupid? Possibly.
Self-inflicted? Yes.

It's high time I stopped spending money on underwear and invested it in a therapy fund instead :-( Or maybe I should get another pair of aussieBums to cheer me up ;-)

Words of wisdom?

GBD's words of advice for today:

"Never show up for a first date bearing lovebite(s)"!

People watching

Here I am, on the train, returning from a short business trip. There is a really good looking guy sitting opposite me. Clearly the “city” type. He’s wearing a suit, shirt, tie still in place, even though it’s 9pm and he’s unlikely to bump into any of his clients/customers/colleagues. He’s reading what looks like a contract. Has a Samsonite suitcase with a gold BA Executive Club tag. The gold ring on his finger suggests married :-P He’s clearly straight but very much my type. He looks rather impressive. The sort of guy you listen to when he talks.

I like watching people. I don’t mean that in a freaky way. I find it fascinating. Different style, Different mannerisms. It’s surprisingly easy to take an instant like or dislike in someone without knowing anything about their personality, life, experiences, etc.

Do I like this guy? Good looks aside, the answer is yes. He seems kind and quiet. Humble, even. Of course, I could be totally wrong.

Either way, I wonder what he’s like in bed! No, I don’t mean that in a “I want to find out” sort of way. I’m generalising but I imagine most people have a naughty or even kinky side. In this case, what could this City professional be into? (GB is more qualified to answer this one ;-) ).

Is he hiding any secrets? Maybe he shags his PA. Or likes it up the bum and hires male escorts when staying in posh hotels. Or how about watersports? He looks very clean cut so maybe he’s into having someone (male or female) showering him with their urine! (I’m not suggesting the watersports is a dirty activity, btw).

Dear reader …. Tell me about your naughty side. Would anyone guess what you’re into just by looking at you?

Anonymous replies are acceptable ;-)

Prick tease?

Well, thank you for your comments on my *STOP PRESS* post, I really appreciate them. Some of them were constructive (S's stands out, what a great idea!) and some of them were downright rude (hence why it was posted anonymously, I guess).

You'll be pleased to know that even though I am shallow, SL's dancing skills (or lack of) didn't stop me from seeing him again. It would be completely stupid of me not to want to get to know someone better just because they are rhythmically challenged.

I've met him twice since and I still like him alot. I think he likes me too but I am not convinced he likes me "that way" :-( Only time will tell. He's a bit shy and don't want to appear too pushy or eager but I definitely want to see more of him.

-----

Work is going well. Still quite busy but nowhere near as hectic as it was a couple of months ago, so my plans to have a look around for other opportunities are on hold at the moment. Well, what I'm saying is that I won't be looking for other opportunities actively but should something interesting appear in my mailbox from one of the agencies I have registered with I will certainly consider it.

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I've been going to the gym a little bit more since work slowed down a bit. I'm surprised that Thursday is not officially a gay gym night! The number of "gays" and the amount of cruising that takes place every Thursday at my gym is unbelievable.

*STOP PRESS*

It’s official! GBD has reached new levels of shallowness!

But before I tell you about that, let me give you a quick update about MNB. Well, it turns out that MNB will always stand for Mr Naughty Boy and not My New Boyfriend. Since my holiday in the land of far far away (No, I am not Shrek, I am not green :-P) MNB and I have kept in touch via MSN and email almost on a daily basis. We’ve also talked on the phone a few times. It’s quite clear that even though we really like each other this is not going to go anywhere.

Which brings me to the reason I started today’s entry … I met an absolute gorgeous guy (referred to as “SL” from now on) on gaydar last week and we’ve had 3 “dates” so far. We got on really well with each from the moment we met. We’ve been on several long walks, talking about our careers, travelling, art and business and even though we met on gaydar we still have not had sex! In fact, we haven’t even kissed. Although both have been implied whilst flirting ;-)

Anyway, as we both enjoy dancing, on the evening of our 3rd date we decided to go clubbing. It was also a good opportunity to get closer physically, if you know what I mean ;-) It’s worth mentioning that meeting SL brightened up my week and being so good looking and sweet I couldn’t wait to kiss him and even though a gay club is not a very romantic place for a first kiss I was sure I’d still enjoy it.

So let me set the scene, Saturday evening, we meet for a couple of drinks in a bar and then have a walk to the club. The walk turned out to be quite long as it wasn’t the most direct route, in fact, it was like going from A to B via Z, but I didn’t mind it as the company was worth it. We went in the club and got rid of our jackets. SL was looking hot in his t-shirt, jeans and very nice shoes. I wasn’t looking too bad in mine (For the record, I was wearing my Ginch Gonch Star F*cker trunks as my new aussieBums were in the laundry).

We have another drink and then decide to hit the dance floor. Now, I think it’s always a bit nerve racking dancing for the first time in front of someone you fancy so much, it turns out that I had nothing to worry about. SL on the other hand :-( I was so disappointed. A man so sexy that can turn me on just by looking at me managed to turn me off equally as quickly just by starting to dance :-( I am embarrassed to say this but I was devastated. I hope that I managed not to show it but I am not sure. I was really looking forward to kissing what I thought was the “perfect” guy (yeah, yeah, I know that nobody’s perfect) but the totally unexpected realisation that SL was rhythmically-challenged made me feel depressed.

I’m really ashamed of myself :-(

In hindsight, not being a great dancer isn’t the worse trait one can have but I guess it wasn’t something I was prepared for. My fault for assuming too much, I suppose.
Anyway, I am really glad he didn’t ask me what I thought of his dance moves. I have faked a few things in my life (say no more, say no more) but I don’t think I’d be able to pull this one off convincingly.